I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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