just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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