yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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