I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
