i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
