it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
