I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
