sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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