Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
