New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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