I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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