I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
