Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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