i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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