WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
