We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
