My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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