Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
