I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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