First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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