I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
