hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
