honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize