Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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