two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
