Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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