So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
