i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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