I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
