So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
