I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
