There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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