I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
