Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
