i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
