There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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