Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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