The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
