Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
