Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
