I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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