she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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