12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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