I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
