maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
