yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
