she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
