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At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The Olympian is in my bed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
