Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
