Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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