Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
