yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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