u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
