She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
