it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
