well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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